Tuesday, October 14, 2014

RIP Terrance and Phillip

No longer swimming in lane #1 was Sir  Terrance Henry Stoot of the small village of Toronto. He died the morning after the race, at 55 years of age but swam the night before like he was already dead. His pastimes included riding the subway and insulting Ugly Bob. Past  winner of the Nobel peace prize and star of the hit movie Asses of Fire, Terrance will first and foremost be remembered as a family man. He leaves behind his wife, a deeply bereaved Queef Sister, and also leaves a bastard daughter from his ex girlfriend, Celine Dion. 

In lane #2 we had Sir Phillip Niles Argyle, born and bred in Montreal to swim like the uncle fucker he truly was. He died at the tender age of 54 of a vicious road-side dumping by the very people who made money off him the night before when he overcame diabetes, his shocking anglophone status, and his raging homosexuality to win the race. He starred in the hit TV show The Terrance and Phillip Show, which was based on an early appearance of Phillip's on the Ed Sullivan show at the age of 6 during which he accidentally broke wind. Today his catch phrase "you fah-ted" can be heard all over the world. his nemises included Scott the Dick who once tried to give him cancer with his mind, Brook Shields, whom he once slapped on the Conan O'brien show, and Luc Gibson, who murdered him. Phillip has no family to leave his fortune to but his pets Barky and Purry are surely starving in his absence.

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