Tuesday, October 14, 2014

RIP Terrance and Phillip

No longer swimming in lane #1 was Sir  Terrance Henry Stoot of the small village of Toronto. He died the morning after the race, at 55 years of age but swam the night before like he was already dead. His pastimes included riding the subway and insulting Ugly Bob. Past  winner of the Nobel peace prize and star of the hit movie Asses of Fire, Terrance will first and foremost be remembered as a family man. He leaves behind his wife, a deeply bereaved Queef Sister, and also leaves a bastard daughter from his ex girlfriend, Celine Dion. 

In lane #2 we had Sir Phillip Niles Argyle, born and bred in Montreal to swim like the uncle fucker he truly was. He died at the tender age of 54 of a vicious road-side dumping by the very people who made money off him the night before when he overcame diabetes, his shocking anglophone status, and his raging homosexuality to win the race. He starred in the hit TV show The Terrance and Phillip Show, which was based on an early appearance of Phillip's on the Ed Sullivan show at the age of 6 during which he accidentally broke wind. Today his catch phrase "you fah-ted" can be heard all over the world. his nemises included Scott the Dick who once tried to give him cancer with his mind, Brook Shields, whom he once slapped on the Conan O'brien show, and Luc Gibson, who murdered him. Phillip has no family to leave his fortune to but his pets Barky and Purry are surely starving in his absence.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Final Leg

 Baron Von Lightning

Yellow Beard Santa


Sorry boys, I don't even remember what dumb names you gave yourselves.
Pretty sure they were dumb though ;)

Sean is eating beef bouillion baby food. Matt is feeding him tenderly.

Slurping down the baby bottles.

Leg 4

Everyone's scattered on a photo scavenger hunt!

Bizarrely this is the product of a "trip to China town" -
at least Matt has a childhood dream realized:
to see his name spelled out in candy.

Leg 3

Uh oh! Looks like someone got yielded!

These are the 
scotch bonnet peppers that were 
the undoing of nearly every racer (Sean a notable 
exception). They are rated at 100 000-300 000 scoville units (a jalepeno is rated at 2500-8000).

Later, racers agreed they should
have done the Legos!

To break the heat, racers had to decide which team member had ice in their veins - and then plunged their feet to fetch up treasures from the bottom of a bucket of ice water.

The Race - Leg 2

The ancient art of egg-on-a-spoon. Surprisingly there are no breaks.

Digging for coins in a vat of cold spaghetti. Not as easy as it sounds.

Memorizing the lyrics to C.R.E.A.M.


Building a marshmallow launcher

The Race

Leg One:
Find coins from 1981 around the property.

Stack die OR blow the joker.

The leg finished up with eating tonnes (for Luc) of shot cups filled with various eatables.
Matt & Sean place first, Andre and Joel finish second.

2014 Champions - Team Blue, Luc & Mel

Congratulations to Luc and Mel for their big win on Saturday.

They didn't always run a consistent game but they kept competitive right to the end, chugging water and eating peas like champs to secure the win.

Before the game even began, Luc was making bold predictions:

Drinking like he already owned the race.

He's a winner. Obviously.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Your Sexually Ambiguous Host - Jamie

Viewers may remember her as the dynamic host of "Have the Cabbie Guess Your Bra Size", the brief host of "Belly or Ear", or the befuddled host of a Japanese game show called "Let's Get Hot Sauce Endurance!" which ended suddenly when the host was embroiled in a scandal involving curdoroy and waffles and was abruptly deported from the country.

This season she makes her triumphant return to Canadian soil as cheerful but ultimately confused host of The Amazing Race: Matt's Birthday Edition.  Stay tuned for her inane blather as she throws to commercial, and her inevitable blungling of the whole damn thing.*

*The network would like to assure viewers that the Race will continue despite any eptitude on the part of the host.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Name Change -

Blue Team is winning.
They have officially gone through 2 team names while the rest of you losers have yet to submit any.
This is the kind of winning attitude we can expect from then come Saturday.

Go team Islamic State of Minden!

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Race Rules

1. We race rain or shine.
2.  All racers must wear a bandanna (will be provided) in their team colour at all times.
3. There are 5 legs to the race. Each team member must complete at least 2 of the roadblocks.
4. No one will be eliminated, but time penalties will be assessed at the start of the next leg.
5. Each team needs a working camera - phones are fine.
6. No tampering with\sabotaging another team's materials.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Red Team - Matt & Sean - The Ginger Twins

Team Bio:

These brothers were delivered as a team 42 years ago and have since shared a passion for sport, competition, and quality cuts of meat.

Like most identical twins, these two can read each other's minds and finish each other's sentences (and beers, often without permission).

As buff young men, these two have competed at international levels in both synchronized swimming (pairs event) and tandem bicycling. Retired from the professional circuit they are now private investigators by day, and semi-successful lounge singers by  night. Though they have yet to be hired for a single case, they are confident that their trench coats and magnifying glasses will soon pay off.  In the meantime, they keep their skill sharp by playing Clue online, and their chests smooth by hot waxing each other on a twice-monthly schedule. "It's more aerodynamic," explains Matt, while dripping hot wax all over Sean's broad, well-muscled chest. "Plus, it looks better in our stage costumes, when we like to show a little -" "-skin!" finishes Sean, as Matt pulls the first of many long, hairy strips.

Potential roadblocks: triplets, unicycles

Team Motto "Twice as good as all you other suckers!"

Green Team - Joel & Andre - Married

Team Bio:

The couple met while Joel was on a judge's panel and Andre was competing for Mr. Gay Canada. Though he didn't bring home the title, he did bring home a friend and lover (as well as a pretty pretty sash and a second-runner up tiara). Celebrating 20 years together this fall, Joel and Andre plan to put their competitive streak to good use.

Andre, a successful former hand model, currently works at a pashmina booth at an upscale mall in downtown Vancouver. Joel, a dental hygienist and avid Barbie collector, couldn't be more proud of the things they've accomplished over their two decades together, and can't wait to add an Amazing Race win to the list. His mother, Arlene, will be watching her son and his roommate race for the title, and hopes he'll meet a nice girl somewhere along the way and finally give her a grandchild.

Potential Roadblocks: anything that might result in callouses

Team Motto: "Second-runner-up is not an option."

Blue Team/Islamic State of Minden - Luc & Mel - "Reluctant Coworkers"

Team Bio:

Luc and Mel hail from small town Yukon where Luc is assistant to the manager of a 5-pin bowling establishment, and Mel serves as its only overworked waitress, serving beers and seal jerky on her trusty rollerskates to bear trappers, Eskimos, and those who came to pan for gold and never left.

A fiesty redhead known for her wisecracking ways, Mel is sure to be a fan favourite. She's motivated to win this race because she's been saving up for a new set of knockers for a real long while and her tip cup's still half empty.

Luc describes himself as "suave" and "a real go-getter." He prides himself on an all-polyester wardrobe, and for having the town's most parking tickets attributed to a snowmobile. He once ate a 72oz steak in under an hour and still had room for dessert. He believes winning this race will finally clinch his long-awaited promotion to assistant manager and will help him pay off some of his overdue child support.

Potential Roadblocks: Bears, bumpy roads (they're hell on rollerskates)

Team Motto: "How many parkas should we pack?"